Mom, you left one year ago today. Not a single week in 44+ years went by without us talking and now it’s been 52, with many more to come. I miss you very (very!) much, but I’m doing fine. You’ve come to me in so many dreams - most often when I’ve been deeply struggling - and I love seeing you: healthy and happy, hearing your voice and, especially, your beautiful laugh. I do wake up feeling a sting and dull ache, but it’s worth it to feel you with me again. Your grandson is doing well—he’s such an incredible little dude, full of kindness, light, joy, love, energy, intelligence. But I bet you know all this as he’s stated, matter-of-factly, from about the moment you passed, that you are still here—he claims you live on that really bright star that seems to come out first each night, the one right next to the moon. This star—your star—has become so commonplace in our home that we find ourselves casually saying “Grandma’s out” anytime we see you (and, somehow, I feel a bit better holding onto the notion that you’re still here, even if millions of miles away). You should know, too, that Stephen is keeping the promise I learned he made to you in the final weeks of your life… he’s been taking care of me—great care of me and been my rock on the nights I’ve fallen apart as grief overcame me. He’s been my best friend for a long time, but now I find we’ve never been closer and he’s become the confidant and sounding board I never gave him the opportunity to be before. I have girlfriends & cousins and aunts who check in and assure I have enough love and enough support to weather my storms.
I know my life, my choices, my actions, my behaviors are ways to keep your spirit alive and continue to remember and honor you. So I am giving 110%++ to Caiden, every day, and attempting to be my own version of the stellar Mom that you were. I try to be a good wife and partner to Stephen; a trustworthy, fun and true friend (you were always 'the friend a friend would like to have') and I give back where I can. But more than anything, in your memory, I’m trying to wake up each day and be GRATEFUL for all that I have, for this life, for my family and friends, for my health, for life’s little surprises and even for the simplest of things. I found a fortune-cookie note in your wallet recently that said “happiness is a choice”. I’m choosing it every day and have made changes to assure I’m surrounded by happiness, peace & love.
Until we meet again someday, or at least I get to glimpse you in my dreams, I’m missing you and I love you.
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