So, we’ve reached the halfway point on the ‘day-to-day journey’ – meaning, in about 9 more years you will be a young man & likely heading off to college soon. I feel so excited for all that’s in front of you, yet it truly aches to acknowledge how quickly the years have whizzed by.
To my sweet, sweet boy on his 9th birthday:
So, we’ve reached the halfway point on the ‘day-to-day journey’ – meaning, in about 9 more years you will be a young man & likely heading off to college soon. I feel so excited for all that’s in front of you, yet it truly aches to acknowledge how quickly the years have whizzed by. I remember vividly being sooooo pregnant with you & venturing into motherhood—a role I, admittedly, knew absolutely nothing about. I felt pretty overwhelmed at first – trying to figure out nursing, diaper changes, rashes, napping & bedtimes, how to hold you properly, milestones & benchmarks, why you would cry, what you needed, all the things going on with my own body & hormones, enduring mind-numbing exhaustion, stress, anxiety & on & on (& on). It was a tough ride for the first year or so, but you had my entire heart long before you even made your appearance into this world.
I smile when I think back on pregnancy mornings – the time of day you were always most active - & lingering in bed to savor just a few more kicks, jabs & movements. Interestingly, you’re still a morning-kid; perhaps you were showing your colors early-on. I couldn’t eat a sliver of meat or fish during the first trimester without feeling sick. I sustained on noodles, vegetables & fruit & to tell the truth, these 3 items are still favorite eats for you today. Again, were you giving more clues as to who you’d be?
I remember being incomprehensibly tired & wanting nothing more but to race through the motions of a 3 am feeding/burping/changing & yet there were times you looked squarely into my eyes & gave me the biggest, most loving, gummy smile & suddenly I couldn’t put you down. I couldn’t stop singing sweet songs to you -- or talking to you in octaves 5 times higher than my normal tone of voice - or kissing you. Sleep, at that precise moment, was completely overrated.
You used to wrap your whole hand around one of my fingers when I gave you a bottle, this little gesture melted me. And now, at 9 years old, it still melts me when we’re walking along & you so naturally & easily reach over to hold my hand. Yours is warm, your skin silky soft, &, at times, a bit sticky. It’s in these simple moments that I feel as if the entire universe is spinning correctly. I know, someday, there will be a final hand-hold. I won’t know the exact date or time, but it’s not likely too far off. Friends will take priority over parents, as they should, & it’ll be uncool to intertwine our fingers, let alone spend much time together. My heart will break a little but I’ll cry tears quietly & behind a closed door. It’s not right to clip your wings or make you feel guilty that the racing years do sting a little…
I really have had a good life so far. There are endless blessings that I deeply appreciate, but hands down, bar none, I am most grateful to be your Mama. While Papa & I weren’t certain about parenthood, I can safely say you are our greatest joy. Someday, when it’s my time, I will leave this earth with a treasure chest of inconceivably amazing memories, & most will center around you. I can still see you taking your first, zombie-like steps across our loft; hear your toddler voice as you navigated big words like frig-i-day-der (refrigerator) or maaa-maw (Grandma). I went a little nuts screaming, hooting & hollering when you first rode a two-wheeled bike along Martis Dam Road. I marveled at how you just up & did it, without really needing any assistance—& all in Caiden’s time, as has always been your way. I remember kindergarten & dropping you off at Glenshire that first day, wondering if we could really be “here” already & then enjoying listening to you read & realizing how quickly that learning train moves…. I blinked, & now you read so smoothly & well & with perfect inflection. While “traditional” sports has not really been your thing, I was elated when you put ball to bat or threw nicely or simply “got” how the game worked. Skiing with you & Papa is a ball, even if I have recently become the slow-poke in our family. You are adventure mixed with caution --- & I like this very much, it should serve you well in life. You’re itching to ski the trees & Papa is all too eager to do this with you & you love to take on the terrain park, but you also have common sense to gauge when something might be too much. Do this OFTEN as you get older, especially in your teenage years. There are going to be times, LOTS of times, when you have choices to make. Try the drug that everyone else is sampling—or not. Get behind the wheel after you’ve had a drink or two—or not. Hang onto that friendship or relationship that, in realty, is toxic, but hard to let go of— or not. Travel somewhere a bit frighteningly new, or stick with what’s comfortable. Study hard, learn & achieve — or not. Exercise kindness, strength & independence of mind— or not. DO what you KNOW is right, regardless of how difficult it may be. Please, please, Caiden—take this letter out when you’re 15 or 17 or 22 & re-read it. Trust me on this… the next chapter is going have some complicated pages &, some of the decisions you’ll make may be life-altering.
Believe in Caiden. Believe in your ethics & values & all the uniqueness that makes you, you. You won’t likely be similar to the “bulk” of Truckee kids—who focus on football, lacrosse or soccer, baseball or basketball. I’d guess you’ll be more like your Dad (& he’s someone to be like—one of the most quality human beings I’ve ever known) & march to a drum that beats for things like music, art, cycling, climbing, skiing. All of these things are fantastic & it’s thrilling to see you choose your own path & become increasingly accomplished in your pursuits; don’t let ANYONE tell, or make you feel, differently.
Speaking of, try (try, try, try!) to be more patient & willing to take the time necessary to authentically learn & improve in that which you are interested. I see me in you when you have a desire to know something immediately & easily – & get frustrated & turned off when it doesn’t happen. Take my advice on this, rarely (if ever) can we get good at ANYthing without putting in the proper amount of time & effort. I have learned this the hard way—you can’t take a short cut or skim the surface of something you want to achieve, you have to jump in with both feet & be ready & willing to devote time & effort into the dream.
Grandma once said you were THE happiest baby/kid she’d ever known, & I agree. Granted, I’m biased, but you are a little sparkly, warm, glowing light anytime you enter a room. As best you can, hold onto this. Being happy IS a choice & yes, we all have, & always will have, some bad days, but there’s SO much good; don’t let the icky stuff take ahold of you. Skip the drama! Don’t be the guy in the corner pouting about something & drawing attention & energy from others, for all the wrong reasons. Be easygoing & acknowledge that hardly anything is the end of the world, it honestly isn’t. Laugh without refrain & often, be silly now & again & dance (like nobody’s watching)! :)
I want you to remember, too, that love, real love – for the most part – doesn’t hurt! Yes, there are painful moments—but they’re fleeting & deeply overshadowed by allllll the good stuff. If someone you like isn’t treating you well, MOVE ON. Easier said than done, sure, but you should never be under someone’s thumb or exhausting yourself pleasing another (I don’t care how attractive, popular or smart they may be—love does not hurt & is not exceedingly difficult). And to this note, when your feelings have changed for somebody, treat them with respect & let them go. Do not drag things out & do NOT cheat. Nobody forces you to be with someone else, so while you’re in a relationship, be committed & exercise unwavering respect. As with my comment above, see Papa if you need guidance on this—he managed to always treat his girlfriends considerately, whether he was happy in the relationship or had decided it was over. Be a gentleman in everything you do—relationships, sportsmanship, work, school, friendships, life. My loving, motherly nagging on this subject is far from over. I have witnessed first-hand what happens when someone is with, or marries, the wrong person & the havoc it wreaks on them, their friends, family & so on, &, as such, this will be a critical lesson for you. Any significant other who can’t get along with your family isn’t good people… period, end of story, move along!!
One last random, & admittedly early, nugget of advice: marry only for love—authentic, butterflies-in-your-tummy, sweaty-palms, Christmas-day-excited love! I was on the “later” side, meeting Papa at 29 & marrying him at 34, but I was absolutely positive he was the one for me. We, at first glance, wanted very different things – but he was kind, fun, funny & smart, interesting, cultured, honest & trustworthy & GOOD to me, such a great friend, & respectful to my Mom/Dad/family & so on. Don’t be in a rush, don’t worry about any sort of timeline or what others journey might look like—your road is yours alone. Travel it excitedly & be jazzed & curious to see what’s around every corner, KNOWING it’s all good stuff, even the hard times. Be responsible, but don’t ever forget to savor the moments & splurge just a bit & explore this befuddlingly miraculous planet. We have started you on a generous path of travel & hope you’ll find your own happiness in navigating our world.
ALL my love to you, kiddo. The first 9 years have been a blissful blur & I’m here for the next 9 &, hopefully, the 30 or 40 beyond that. You can talk to me any time, tell me any thing – I’m your biggest fan, loudest cheerleader & always, no matter what, unfailingly, the proudest member of Team Caiden.
I love you infinity, to the moon & back on a railroad track & in two pieces.
Love, Mama
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