9. We are having our cake and eating it too.
· While most of us only parents would have liked a bigger family, it didn’t work out for us, for one reason or another. So, we go about parenting our one-and-only with total fervor, pouring lavish amounts of love into our singular human, yet we also are able to indulge in nibbles of our pre-child lives too. Girl’s getaway? Yup, I’m in and it’s no sweat for my spouse to take our kiddo for a few days, or vice versa. Romantic weekend with hubby? Sure. Grandma can easily manage our party of one. Wanna buy that gotta-have handbag? Yeah, I can swing that as our finances aren’t too heavily tapped by too many tinies.
8. Your child can have siblings, but there’s no guarantee they’re going to get along, or even like one another.
· I grew up with a brother and we got along well. There were arguments, punches, screams and scratches, but there was also adventure, protectiveness and camaraderie. Once we were adults, however, we became oil and water, fire and gasoline. He became someone I didn't like, or respect.
7. Our only may be (gasp!) better than your has-sibling kids, in some ways.
· For one, he/she’s going to be perfectly comfortable with himself, by himself and in his own skin. And we all know this is something every person strives for and is none-too-easily achieved. Also, countless studies point to onlys being more intelligent than their has-siblings counterparts and they can be more cultured, better educated, oftentimes land better jobs and discover more success throughout their lifetime. As with anything, there’s good and bad with onlys, but let’s not gloss over the good too quickly.
6. We feel guilt, and tons of it, for having an only.
· We hear, again and again, in society and in our own social circles, the disapproving chatter about ‘spoiled’ and ‘mal-adjusted’ only children. We worry, plan, strive, we make efforts – endless efforts – to assure our kid isn’t 'that' kid. But try as we may, there are days our kiddo isn’t the best sharer (doesn’t every kid have days like this?!) and there are days he would rather play by himself than with a group (explain to me again why this is so bad?!). Regardless, our kids will have some different tendencies than those with siblings, but I’m not convinced they’re all bad. Yes! I do feel sad my son will grow up with no siblings, no built-in playmate, no one to commiserate with on how awful Mom and Dad can be, no one to co-share the responsibilities and heaviness of caring for his father and I when we grow old, but this is the way our cookie crumbled. At the end of the day, while our family isn’t exactly the size I’d imagined or dreamed of, I’m thankful for my intimate little pod of 3. I’m thankful for even the singular experience of being a Mama as I’m keenly aware some never receive even one shot…
5. Yes, it does hurt, very much, when multi-kid parents insinuate our only is, in some way, inferior.
Very sadly, a few years ago a kindergartner at my son’s school died quickly and unexpectedly from an undetected spinal infection. Our community was devastated and as I discussed this situation with a friend she said the parents were going to try for another child soon as "they certainly don’t want an only.” She said the words “an only” with her face puckered up like she’d bitten into a lemon. Really?! All this right in front of me, knowing I had an only and knowing the reasons why (see #1). Needless to say, we're not close anymore, but is it too much to ask for people to remember that parents of an only are real people, with a heart, that can break? We, too, are trying our best, offering endless love and care to a single human being, attempting to add a worthwhile person into this world.
4. We only get just one shot—at everything.
· Most parents get a few chances to experience a child’s milestones; for those of us with an only, we get just one. Ironically, our kid’s first smile is the last first smile. First words, first steps, first day of school, first lost tooth, first time tying a shoelace—all of those “firsts” are also “lasts” for us. These moments are so bittersweet and God-forbid we miss one - well, it’s gone and there’s no hope of catching the first with a successive child.
3. We worry about our kid, constantly. Incessantly. Painfully.
· My son took a fall and hit his head on the corner of a bench in April 2015. By mid-June he started developing headaches, sometimes 3-5 per day, and some so painful he’d be screaming, begging for me to help him stop the pain. Long story short, this lead us to the ER and a CT scan which showed he had a life-threatening brain bleed. He had surgery at Stanford followed by a slow, cautious recovery that summer. Today - thank God - he is a healthy, thriving, active nine year-old boy. However, I had many (many!) moments during this frightening incident where I thought “if something happens to him that’s it… it’s over, I’m no longer a Mom”. The most joyful, happy, fulfilling chapter of my life would instantly close. Now, I realize that having multiple children would not make the loss of one any easier, however, it also wouldn’t mean the honor and pleasure of being a parent ceases. I worry about my kid and my fright, at times, climbs to extraordinary heights because I want nothing more than to see my son grow up and I have one opportunity for this to happen.
2. We’re making the best of the hand life has dealt us.
· Two years ago, while at my husband’s holiday party, a guy came up to me and before even uttering “happy holidays” he said “saw your Christmas card. Looks like you guys had a lot of travels—ah, the easy life of the parents of an only child”. Did it ever occur to folks that we’re making the best of the hand life has dealt us? Yes, I would’ve loved to have been covered in ooey-gooey, sticky children, three to be exact, and have a schedule jam-packed with soccer, ballet, baseball and bins even more jam-packed with art projects and “I love you” scribbles, but it only worked out for us to have one child. And with that, it’s afforded us more time, and more money, to splurge some on our kid, expose him to our love of travel, and indulge a bit, in ways we’d be unable to with a bigger brood. Grass may look greener on the other side, but I assure you our life is far from “easy”. We’re simply embracing our threesome and all the special little ‘extras’ this affords.
1. Most of us, perhaps upwards of 75%, wanted more than one child, but we’re raising an ‘only’ purely due to circumstance.
· In my case, my husband didn’t want children and begrudgingly agreed to one. While he is now Super Dad, and loves our kid more than life itself, and has thanked me on numerous occasions for pushing to have a baby, when that magical time came to procreate again he said no and I felt it was my turn to compromise. Add to that my difficulty getting pregnant and need for fertility assistance ($$$); enduring severe postpartum anxiety and that I was nearing 40 when we pondered another child - and it just wasn’t in the cards for us.
· One of my close girlfriends is an only and swore she’d never have an only because she felt jilted with no siblings. Low and behold she has an only—a wonderful, healthy son. But he came with much effort as she endured several miscarriages prior to having him and more trying for a second. Once she became pregnant with #2 she went in for an ultrasound only to discover her baby had some serious health issues. She chose to terminate and never had the heart to try again.
· Another girlfriend and her husband visited Paris in April 2008 where they decided to start a family upon returning home. Little did they know that weeks later her husband would be diagnosed with Stage IV Melanoma and that come July he’d be gone. Fortunately, they had the wherewithal to store his sperm before some feeble chemotherapy treatments. She welcomed a beautiful baby girl in March 2010, but knew that being a single Mama of one was going to be challenging enough, dashing her dreams of additional children.
One, two, four or ten—we’re all Mamas, taking it day by day, doing the best we can, trying to navigate this parenting gig. Some days we succeed, some days we fall flat on our faces but, interestingly, we’re on this journey together.
So the next time you encounter an only, try and appreciate the uniqueness of these children; from their ease of chatting amongst adults, to a comfortableness in their own skin, to an ability to enjoy time with the person they need to love most in this life… themselves. And remember: to the world, he/she may be just one person, but to one person he/she IS the world – Bill Wilson.
Commentaires