I’m sorry for the moments I’ve missed—and those that I’ll miss in future—but know I’m where I’m meant to be, and I hope you’ll understand. I’m doing what’s best for our family, for me, and, ultimately, for you.
Dear Kiddo,
From the time you were born, and 15 years prior to that, I have been a full-time, working woman (in 2009 this title changed slightly to full-time, working Mom). I graduated college, moved back home to the Bay Area and within weeks landed my first ‘real’ job. It was thrilling, but I entered a world of many new constraints—my Mondays to Fridays no longer belonged to me and were booked solid, from 8 am to 5 pm (actually, 6:30 am until 6:30 pm if you factor in my get-ready and commute time). The company and their projects, needs, goals, deadlines, meetings, KPIs, budgets, Pace Reports, core values, etc. now dictated how each day would unravel… I, also, now had 2 tiny weeks of vacation each year and a few paid sick days. But on the flipside—I had a nice little paycheck, could splurge and save a bit and began my climb up the corporate ladder. Your Mama has always been bright and very driven, so I’ve received many promotions and changed companies where better opportunities presented themselves. And today, at age 46, I am in a fairly senior Sales and Marketing position, with a bigger company, bigger salary, bigger benefits, bigger responsibilities, bigger time commitments and so on. Yet with all this hard work and upward mobility has come sacrifices, and some of those have directly affected you (and will continue to). But what’s most important to share with you, and for you to really understand, is that on those rare occasions where your full-time, working Mama can’t make something, I am truly heartbroken, and truly sorry, but I’m doing the very best I can to balance my career and my other, “dream” job --- aka being your Mom.
This full-time working Mom thing is difficult, period, end of story, hard stop. The Mom/running a home and family thing is super difficult, too, but remove 50+ hours per week in which to do it and it can be absolutely mind-boggling. How to pay the bills, handle the banking and finances, keep the house clean, give some TLC to our dogs, connect – really connect – with you, listen to your stories and concerns, help with homework, cook, grocery shop, get you to all your extracurricular stuff, dental appointments, doctor appointments, be a true friend to my girlfriends, be a good wife to your Dad, plan a vacation, get an oil change or car wash… and oh yeah, eek in some exercise or a wee sliver of rejuvenation for myself—even if that’s just reading a dang magazine!
I try, every day, to be fully present when I’m home with you and Papa, but, at times, I hear an email or text ding and if I glance at my phone, oftentimes there’s something work-related that should get my attention, too. From the moment I step foot out of bed, every weekday morning, I am in go, Go, GO mode. I joke that I have the treadmill on speed 8.0 everyday at incline 5.0 and I can’t get off it, or even slow it down to a comfortable jog-- it’s simply not an option in my incessantly high-demand world. Add to this that my Mom-guilt finds me volunteering for B-FIT in your classroom, for the holiday breakfast, heading up the annual school dance, driving to a field trip and it’s A LOT! I run ragged at times, but in the same breath I want you to know that I care—that I am here. Despite working a ton, I know that seeing my face at your school, and in your classroom, means a lot to you and is an important way to show you I care and that your life, your school and what you have going on matters! I’m also one of those parents who feels it is our absolute obligation to volunteer at school. It’s ironic, though, because the more I’m involved the more I see a very small cluster of parents consistently helping. The rest simply show up and enjoy the volunteer-orchestrated events without much contribution. It’s disheartening, but we’ll save that commentary for another blog.
Sadly, kiddo, there’s this awful dynamic that Moms have where they put down and pick on each other if their mothering decisions aren’t the same as another’s. For example: I have chosen to work full-time, while others have chosen to be stay-at-home Moms. BOTH are valid options with pros and cons and each woman must decide what is best for her. It’s a deeply personal decision and one that should be respected, even if sometimes it may be tough to understand . I know, and have always known, I wouldn’t have been my best self as a stay-at-home Mom. I enjoy what I do far too much, I like being out of the house and around other adults—creating, doing, building, collaborating, achieving. I am wired such that I actually do like a packed schedule and the energy of a deadline or goal. I appreciate the perk of some business travel (within reason) and, selfish or not, I really, really appreciate my paycheck and the freedom it allows us—to save more aggressively for your college or our retirement, to do some upgrades on our home, to take you on trips around the world (and we do, oh how we do!), to treat myself to a new outfit. I appreciate, too, the benefits my company offers—great health care, paid vacation and sick time, an annual bonus, a financial wellness incentive, a membership to our local club and so on. I am treated well and I come home each day with a strong sense of satisfaction from my contributions at work thus, making me a more whole, contented human, which then makes me a happier, more engaged mother to you. That may be difficult to follow, but re-read that last sentence and it may start to make more sense. Add to that, when I’m with you I’m pretty much “all in”. I’m so appreciative of our evenings and weekends that they’re sacred to me. I’m not dashing off for a weekend with the girls or pushing you onto your father, aching for time on my own—I simply want to hang out with both of you. Whether we’re picking up groceries, or making a 2-day trip down to San Francisco, or skiing or bike-riding or snuggled under a blanket with a rented movie and bucket of popcorn, my time and my focus are willingly and blissfully on my family.
All this is not to say that there haven’t been moments that crushed me-- there have been, plenty. Case in point, when you were 4 months old and my state-paid maternity leave was over and it was time to return to work. That first morning I cried so hard when I handed you to one of my girlfriends who had agreed to watch you. You were in wonderful and capable hands, but they weren’t mine. I cried, at times, during the successive 5 or 6 years when both your grandmas took turns watching you 3 days a week. Again, extremely capable, trustworthy and loving hands—but not mine. I felt awful last week when your original Winnie the Pooh play date was bumped up and landed smack-dab in the midst of a non-negotiable business trip. I’ve been reassured they’ll tape the performance, and I intend to see your final dress rehearsal, but you - and I - know it’s not even close to actually being there. I have felt guilty, uncertain and sad in each of these circumstances, but in the same breath, I still feel tremendous enjoyment at my job. And sometimes, these are the conflicts that are unavoidable and the sacrifices that we’ve chosen to make in our two-full-time-working-parents household.
Now that you’re older it’s a little easier because you’re gone at school from 8 am to 3:15 pm, anyhow. Diddling about the house, running errands, going to Starbucks, a bender barre class with the ladies, a mid-day matinee or even the occasional volunteering opportunities wouldn’t have been enough for me, or filled my days in a meaningful enough way.
My beautiful child, it is imperative that you know that you are my #1 priority and you always will be. Having additional, sometimes competing, priorities in no way lessens or threatens your rank as my numero uno—it’s just a part of a working parent’s life.
YOU are why I negotiated a 9:30 am start time at my latest job—so I could share every weekday morning with you, walk you into school and kiss you goodbye. YOU are the reason I keep my business trips short and infrequent because time away from home means time away from you. YOU are the reason I quit my old job when my travel ramped up to every-other-week trips… I was done. YOU are the reason I skip lunch every day, shoveling a salad down at my desk, so that my work can get done more quickly and I can get home to you as early as possible.
Many years ago, long before I had you, I visited my brother and his wife in San Diego. As we drove around, their oldest daughter, who was just a toddler at the time, asked innocently “what’s that?” as we passed a daycare facility with a meeting room and playground. Her mother, one of the most judgmental and unkind humans I’ve ever had the displeasure of knowing, said “that’s where all the Mommies who don’t care about their kids drop them off”. I thought it then and think it even moreso now, that she is dead wrong. It’s where the Mommies who made a different choice than she did drop their kids off, but in no way is their choice wrong, lesser or equate to not caring as much… quite the contrary! Your after-school programs have been a place where you, as an only child, had an extra hour or two to burn off some steam and socialize in an un-structured, non-scholastic environment. As you’ve grown, it’s become a place where you’ve enjoyed cooking, rock climbing and ceramics classes – gaining valuable skills and having FUN while, yes, being a place to go while your Papa and I finished up the remaining hours of our workdays. Interestingly, if we were well-off enough to forego work altogether, you’d still want to go to all of these after school programs and we’d still be the ‘uncaring’, non-working parents who’d take you.
I know you’re going to knock it out of the park as Piglet in the upcoming show. I will help you learn your lines and songs and drive you to every twice-a-week practice for the next 2 months, despite missing out on the joy and reward of seeing you perform live. But I’ll be with you in spirit (and hopefully via Facetime). Then, I’ll see you the very next day as you join me in Whistler for the tail-end of my business trip. Nope, it’s not perfect, but it’s pretty stinkin’ good. And at the end of the day, it’s our life, our family and we’re doing just great.
Your Mama loves you every bit as much as every other Mama loves her child. But, she (aaaaaak!!) loves herself too and believes in her dreams and passions-- and those, my child, simply are not mutually exclusive things.
So true! It’s a very tough decision and we, as women and human beings, need to understand and support each other with this very personal decision.