I’m pages away from finishing a book about parenting teenagers (Teen Proofing, by John Rosemond). It was recommended by a friend/former teacher of Caiden’s who I greatly respect & having no fun fiction books left on my shelf, I half-heartedly gave it a go.
I braced for a dry, psychology & statistic-ridden doldrum, but it’s actually quite good & full of terrific ideas (note: atheist/agnostic/non-spiritual types won’t take too well to the occasional references to God). It’s geared toward controlling parents which, whether I like to admit this or not, I can be. While some of the concepts, at first glance, seem totally nuts (let your child set his/her age-appropriate curfew, put $100 in your child’s bank account at the start of every month & this is not considered allowance, do buy your child a car on his/her 16th birthday) when I read further I discovered that there’s method to this madness. This book hinges on giving trust up front, letting children know they will receive freedom but it’s tied to responsibility & making good choices, & all privileges can be earned & expanded upon, or lost, dependent exclusively on the child’s behavior/decisions. I have jotted down the most critical, ah ha! messages so that I can absorb them, refer to them & put them into action. I can’t count how many pages I’ve dog-eared & passages I have starred. A lot of the great ideas won’t be utilized now, they’ll make an appearance closer to Caiden's teen years, but I want to set the stage early for this makes-a-lot-of-sense parenting style I’m keen to explore.
When I really think about it, perhaps Stephen & I have already given some Teen Proofing ideas a go & with (surprisingly) wonderful success!! You see, we swore we wouldn’t get Caiden a cell phone for many more years, so we advised him to not even ask. But, our circumstances in Italy made it such that we honestly felt safer with him having one (walking to/from our apartment to/from school, about 1 mile) & so we bought the cheapest phone available (Hauwei, 90 Euros) & attached a pay-as-you-go plan to it. We loaded it initially with 50 Euros – half paid by us, half paid by Caiden; same with the cell phone, we paid half, he paid half. I was nervous for Caiden to have unfettered access to his email & texting, especially since a classmate set up an “all 6th grade” WhatsApp group. Visions of this kid hiding beneath his blanket at 12 am, secretly typing away, conjured in my head but then something super rad happened—the exact opposite! Caiden is annoyed with the all-class chats & looks at his phone maybe every 2-3 days. He shares with me what the kids are saying as he deletes hundreds of messages, most of which he doesn’t even bother to read (hey—lines of communication are OPEN, yea!). Additionally, he’s very judicious about using his phone when out of wi-fi range, when his precious cell data must be used, because he doesn’t want to eat into his paid plan (ooh, now we have a helping of financial responsibility, too). He also purchased & put a cover on his phone & it’s pretty much in mint condition compared to his parents scratched & dinged Italian cell (huh—look how responsible he's being & how nicely he takes care of this things, especially when the bill for said thing lies heavily in his wallet). It’s also been so nice to be able to text him during the day, if need be. All in all, it seems the idea of having a cell phone, like most of the other kids his age, appealed to Caiden; he wanted to fit in. He has it now & enjoys having it but the stigma around it - the I-want-one-so-bad-because-it-was-forbidden (among other reasons) - is now gone. We’ve also sent a loud & clear statement to our child: we trust you; and you will continue to receive our trust so long as you don’t break it, aka you do the right things (good grades, chores, smart online behavior, positive attitude, etc.).
I’ve also seen a HUGE shift in Caiden’s maturity & behavior this year. He’s always been a good student & the pupil who teachers say is so kind, polite & well-spoken, but since second grade we’ve been called into meetings about his lack of focus & sometimes lack of effort. Being my child, he could be willful, stubborn & non-receptive to this feedback; being Stephen’s child, he had the I’m-bored-and-I-can’t-sit-still bone, also; lovely combo. But, Stephen’s Mom said 6th grade was a magical turning point since Steph began changing classes throughout the day, he no longer struggled with the monotony of sitting in the same room with the same kids for 7 hours, 5 days per week. Well, low & behold, the apple isn’t falling far from the tree & I’m suddenly seeing Caiden fully engaged & excited about school, participating, sharing his answers & thoughts & walking in the door each day & immediately tackling his homework. Who is this kid?? :-)
I have been sure to enthusiastically acknowledge this wonderful new leaf he’s turned over & just this morning his math teacher, who was his 5th grade teacher last year, called me to comment on Caiden’s skyrocketing schoolwork, performance, effort, maturity, attitude & so on. We both marveled at the difference time, a new setting & ramped up set of expectations can be. Caiden needs/has always needed challenge & variety & some big ‘ole ‘atta boys’! I’ve also proactively given him some Minecraft time as a pay-it-forward for the great work I know he’ll continue to achieve. I’ll be darned if our boy is not only kicking the goo out of his schoolwork, but he’s also proactively doing chores & if requested to help with something he does so quickly & with a chipper attitude.
In reading Teen Proofing with having a son of only 11 years I’ve often thought – whoa, am I jumping the gun here? Am I studying for the final exam just one month into a semester-long class? Caiden’s barely even showing signs of being a tween… perhaps the occasional moodiness or back talk, but still present is my sweet, sunshine, loves animals & stuffies kid. Then I think, better to be prepared & incorporating some new practices now than scrambling once we’ve got a full-fledged teenager lumbering through the house. I made this mistake when Caiden was a newborn. I desperately wanted to figure out a good nap/sleep schedule & I kept asking girlfriends but no one would give me the simple, concise cliff notes (many didn’t adhere to any sort of nap or sleep schedule at all… deep breath to avoid commentary or judgement, you do you :-). So I was beyond sleep deprived & instead of napping when baby did I was trying to speed-read Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child. It wasn’t fun trying to drive from the back seat of a race car so this time since I know better, I will do better.
I thought, too, of the other overriding reason I’m prepping early for the journey ahead & to put it simply: my teenage years were awful &, as such, I’m determined to parent Caiden (completely) differently. In a nutshell, I was a good kid—a really good kid. I’d always earned very good grades, did well in sports, was part of student government & community activities, made honor roll, received student to the month, had a solid group of “the right” kind of friends, didn’t get in trouble or touch drugs or boys & most importantly, I was a nice person, respectful, with a good heart & head on my shoulders. I had a clearly defined moral compass & knew what was right & wrong & (almost always) made ideal decisions. I had, also, a very heavy-handed, volatile, moody, power-hungry, domineering, distrusting father. This, when I was a pretty spry, spunky & independently-minded young woman. As you can imagine, this combo became akin to fire with gasoline.
My Dad & I battled. We fought, we argued, he pulled the leash tighter & tighter & tighter & I bucked & reared. I either outwardly rebelled or did so in secrecy (I was a master at sneaking out of my house by the time I was 16, finding my way around his insanely early curfews). I was, at times, beyond unsafe as a teenager; I have a vivid memory of trying to make my (insanely early) curfew one night & driving 100 MPH – yes, 100 MPH! up Alum Rock Road (not a highway, a city road) so as to not incur my you’re-grounded-one-week-for-every-minute-you’re-late punishment. And the most chuckle-worthy part? My brother wasn’t subjected to any of these same rules! This double standard isn’t really a shocker though given that my Dad made it to most every one of my brother’s football, basketball, baseball games & tennis matches (he was even his team’s basketball coach for a couple years) but he never made one of my volleyball, basketball, softball games or tennis matches; not a single one.
I eventually reclused from my Dad entirely so as to avoid our endless conflict & his newest dole-out of penalty for whatever I’d done to displease him that day. I learned to keep my answers to his questions succinct & neutral; assuring my response could get me into no trouble & would, hopefully, minimize any need for continued conversation. I stayed in my room constantly – listening to records & doing homework. The funny thing is, this dynamic between he & I never really changed—even when I was in my 20’s, living on my own, paying my own way, by every account educated & successful. He was much kinder & friendlier, but the foundation had already been laid. I’d forgotten how to be lighthearted & open with him so our same stilted, I’ll-give-you-the-bare-minimum type of relationship endured, heartbreakingly, until he passed when I was just 31.
No need to go on more about my childhood sob stories; I’ve spent enough time rehashing & healing from them in the company of my counselor. But, I do know this, sometimes what makes us a good parent – an even better parent – is remembering the cruddy things we endured when we were young & vowing, swearing, promising! we won’t do the same to our babies. It’s part of what assured I’ve never, ever laid a hand on Caiden and it’ll be part of why I will go to every length & distance & read whatever good books I can on positively rearing a teen. If the example wasn’t given to me at home, that just means I’ll need to go & seek it on my own.
I’m ready to Teen Proof our family & will assure, no matter how this looks, it’ll be done with mutual respect, consideration, understanding, gentleness, calm, patience &, above all, love.
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