I haven’t written a blog in quite awhile partly because life has been inexplicably hectic for the past couple months, but also because I’ve been pretty uninspired. Admittedly, I’ve been in a funk & so words to paper hasn’t been too appealing. But, I recently went for a walk with a girlfriend & learned about how some of the current generation of teen parents are handling communication with their young adults & I felt reinvigorated, even hopeful. Somehow this gal & I got to talking about how her freshman-in-college daughter was doing & what was transpiring with the long-distance, long-term relationship she was continuing with her hometown sweetheart. This then lead to a comment about how my friend was fully aware that her daughter had slept with her boyfriend and beyond that, how she had taken her to a gynecologist for a proper check up & to get birth control. I was astounded. I couldn’t believe the honesty that had transpired between parent & child—that my friend’s daughter would confide such precious & intimate information in her mother, that my friend didn’t give her some canned, worthless lecture about ‘waiting until marriage’.
A couple years prior I’d heard another story, from another mother, about how her daughter also shared that she’d had sex with her high school boyfriend. This mother & daughter had developed a system where they’d write stuff that’s tough to talk about in a notebook & if that notebook appeared in either’s nightstand it was their way of saying “I have something to tell you, but I’m not comfortable speaking about it”. Over the years the journal held all kinds of entries about friends, trials of growing up, drinking, parent problems & so on. But this particular entry simply stated that my friend’s daughter had made love to her boyfriend & that she was happy. She wrote also that she didn’t wish to talk about it but wanted her mother to know. My girlfriend wrote back with a simple reminder to be safe & that she would always be there to listen if her daughter needed.
These occurrences got me thinking about my teen years & how sensitive conversations had gone with my own parents, if they’d happened at all. I remember the chat about pregnancy & drugs with my father went something like this:
Dad: If you get pregnant I will kick you out of the house.
Me: silence
Dad: If I ever find out you’ve tried drugs you will be kicked out of this house & I will disown you.
Me: silence
What was left to say?! I was told about the family policy on sex & drugs & it was pretty black & white. But what about all the other things that could have & should have been said? What about a discussion around boys, having respect for myself & my body, knowing my worth, ethics, values, or even – aaaak – birth control & how to not get pregnant (having such a discussion would not have been an invitation for me to sleep around, it would have just been the passing on of valuable & important information that every young adult should know). What about a heart-to-heart around why drugs are bad news, what can happen if one gets hooked on drugs. What about a discussion on the dangers of excessive alcohol consumption, drinking & driving, the consequences that we must live with for decisions we make, even as a teenager?? Nope, I just received two gigantic threats & moreso, because of dumb luck & because I was a good kid (rather than someone fearful of my father’s wrath), I dabbled in neither in high school. But, come college, when I was out from under my Dad’s thumb, I made terrible decision after terrible decision… constantly choosing the biggest a-hole guys as boyfriends or after-the-bars-closed friends with benefits. I had no self-confidence, I set no limits, I cozied up to one after another of the type of young men that were a father’s worst nightmare. I carried on with a guy who treated me like complete crap for about 3 years… 3 years! I am almost 50 years old & still putting salve on a few of those scars.
My point is, why couldn’t & didn’t our parents have any of these candid discussions? I’m not going to buy the bullshit that “it’s just not what parents did back then”. Honesty was honesty, right was right & wrong was wrong, even back in the 1980s & 1990s. That’s the same crock of shit excuse I hear about parents hitting, belting & spanking their kids (like mine did!) – “it’s just what we did back then” or “it’s what our parents did”. Here again—right was right & wrong was wrong. It’s not in-moda to be gentle with your children now. Caring about your children & wanting to give them the tools to be strong, independent, knowledgeable & happy as adults has not changed.
I’ll never forget, when Caiden was in 3rd grade (just a wee 8 years old), he kept asking & asking me how babies were made. I would give him some quick & simple response about a Mommy & a Daddy & love & a baby appearing in the belly. He would probe further so I’d get a bit more detailed & say that the baby was delivered at a hospital with the help of a doctor. Still not satisfied, he said ‘but I want to know how the baby is made, I want to know how it gets in there’ (pointing to my stomach); this went on for weeks. I finally said to Stephen that we need to talk to him about this even though we both thought it was half-crazy since Caiden was so young. We realized, however, that if our son really, truly wanted to know how procreation worked he could find out from other sources & if that happened the information would likely be incorrect & it wouldn’t be the message we wanted delivered to our child. So the 3 of us sat on our living room couch & first I showed Caiden a very cute, short & age-appropriate video about the birds & the bees. Next, we read a book about the same subject & then we asked if he had any questions. Very shyly, but very maturely & in total seriousness, Caiden said he had one question: he asked Stephen if sex felt good. We both inwardly cringed & surely squirmed, but Stephen responded calmly that yes, it did. He drew an analogy that sex felt ‘a lot like when Mama gives you a big hug’ which I had to immediately refute if I were to have any hope that my kid wouldn’t run for the hills each time I tried to embrace him in future. :-)
Fast forward 4 years & Caiden’s inquiries revolve around things like drugs. He’s asked me point blank if I think he’ll be offered drugs someday to which I’ve responded absolutely, yes. He says this scares him but then I remind him that I’m simply being honest about life as a teenager in today’s society & that talking about it is a way to make it not so scary. It gives him an opportunity to pre-think what his answer will be when that fateful moment occurs, it will give him a chance to not be caught off-guard & we’ve also taken the complete (hopefully) stigma out of talking about drugs. Perhaps when he’s been at a party where drugs were present it’ll be a semi-normal thing for him to share with us.
I say BRAVO to my generation of Moms & Dads who are taking the tough, super awkward, super difficult conversations & making them more commonplace & more comfortable. I say that simply talking about these things doesn’t mean we’re condoning our children trying them. I say that NOT talking about these things doesn’t guarantee that they’ll be unaware of them, or steer clear of them. I say, above all, let’s just be honest with the people who have looked to us for truth & guidance from the day they were born. After all, that need doesn’t end when the subject matter gets stickier, more complicated & more ‘adult’ -- the need actually becomes greater.
I love everything about this. It’s so important that we can communicate about the most difficult topics. The journal is a lovely idea that I may try now with our 12 year old. your writing is always inspiring!
Beautifully written. The conversations I had with my dad were very much the same as yours. I don’t ever remember having a sex talk with my mother, which seems strange. Hope you all are well.