So this weekend marks the 100th anniversary of “my” sorority. I put “my” in quotes because it’s the sorority I rushed, it was where I made 100% of my memories and it’s the one I most identify with, to date. But, in my last semester of college, a few months before graduating, we – the active chapter – voted to go national/be colonized by another sorority. At the time and with the information we had, our 18-22 year old minds thought this was the best decision, given our dwindling numbers and the strength and benefits offered by the national sorority. And so it happened. We went national in a fairly simple process with a fairly basic ceremony. But, many gals didn’t join the national sorority—most of them had already graduated and moved away from Chico and were well into their careers, some were married and some had babies by then, so sorority was a distant memory and concern from yesteryear.
Fast forward 24 years, to April of this year, and there begins to be chatter about the ‘local’ sorority’s 100th anniversary, happening in October, this weekend. Lots of gals are Facebooking asking who’s in and (most) everyone’s getting excited for such an epic reunion. But soon things went sideways and, quite frankly, got pretty ugly. A few old, die-hards, who were long gone from college and not remotely involved or informed in the decision to go national (people, glass houses, throwing stones…), started nastily gang piling those of us who went national, but had hoped to, also, visit Chico during the anniversary weekend. We made it abundantly clear that in no way would we attend or come near any of the events, for they were not ours to celebrate—we’d simply hoped to see familiar faces, share some laughs and even a few beers. We wanted to hang out at a local bar and see anyone who was happy to see us. We were respectful in not wishing to disturb the party and we were additionally understanding of the fact that there would be some who had no desire to see us—hence, the selection of a neutral spot where we would have stayed. Well, this was unacceptable and a few sharp, haughty and cruel gals said we ‘shouldn’t even step foot in Chico’ and to ‘choose another weekend to visit’. Proudly, all of us under cease-fire took the high road and chose not to engage, but I do need to say at least this: old/die-hard/judgmental/angry haters… please don’t ever call me, or any other ‘national’ gal you discluded this weekend, ‘sister’ again. It’s clear you have NO idea what that word means. You can call us friends, or someone you used to know in college, but sister is a term of endearment and friendship and love—that you have no right to use. You can’t have it both ways—we’re ‘sisters’ for 20-something years, but for these 2 days, we’re the enemy…
During this mini-drama, with cowardly women hiding behind their computer screens and slinging insults and unkindness, I had a dejavu moment and remembered that some of these individuals acted the very same way decades ago. It is disheartening to see that their behaviors weren’t a factor of immaturity, but exemplify who they really are. I have coined them ‘Mom-bullies’ and would guess they’re the same women who are snarky to other Moms at PTO meetings, on the school grounds, at the gym, grocery store, coffee shop and elsewhere. It’s incredibly sad and has me questioning if those with daughters see the same behavior in their own girls…. If so, ladies, please don’t scratch your heads on this one—you’re modeling your nastiness, disclusion, judgment and unforgiveness brightly and boldly for your girls to see—and emulate.
Anyhow… I am off to Austin, TX this afternoon to visit my real sisters. We have put together our own gathering and while it would’ve been fun to see some faces I haven’t seen in some time, I’ll connect with those who know what sister means. The ironic thing is that some of the gals who I’ll be with went national, and some didn’t, and the honest truth is that NONE OF US GIVE A SHIT. We care about each other, we respect the different decisions that we made over 2 decades ago and we choose to focus on the deep friendships we have, versus the technicality of a “Chi” or “Phi” behind our Alphas.
Perhaps we made a wrong decision 24 years ago, perhaps it was right. We have no way of knowing since it was a subjective choice and one that has had positive and negative repercussions. It’s too bad we had no opportunity to explain (or apologize) to those who were upset or hurt by the vote. It’s too bad someone couldn’t have simply found a time over the past 8,700+ days to open up a conversation, share their grievances, give others an opportunity to respond and go from there—to treat one another with respect, decency and as ‘sisters’. Who knows what could’ve come from the discussion….
In closing, I’ll share what a ‘sister’ IS...
· She lets your date the guys who’s truly toxic and is there with support, not I told you so, when he’s burned you for the 36th time…
· She’s among the very first people you call after your engagement; and she’s every bit as excited as you are!
· She’s front and center at your wedding, even if she did just have a child a few weeks earlier. She squeezes her post-partum belly into a satin dress, asks her Aunt join for a few days to watch the baby and somehow, makes the weekend 110% about you…
· She calls and leaves you a voicemail, sobbing, when you share that your father has passed away after his battle with cancer. She hurts almost as badly as you do and feels your loss, almost as if it’s hers.
· She drops you a text now and again that simply says “I love you” or “I miss you”. You might find a card in the mail to the same tune.
· She makes time in her busy family life to plan a day shopping or seeing a concert together
· She’s all-in for a girl’s trip. Dinner, dancing and drinks are shared, but so are fears, secrets, failures and dreams. You leave these gatherings a stronger human, with a renewed sense of truth.
· She’s at your baby showers, coordinates your bachelorette, the voice of reason, the sympathetic ear, the one who sometimes says what you might not want to hear.
· She cries with you after each miscarriage and is at your front door after your double mastectomy—hoping to peel you away from your misery, even if only for a few hours.
· She’s there after your husband loses his cancer-battle at age 39 and in the aftermath of becoming a single Mom, by choice
· You can swing by and see her when you’re ‘in town’, even if it’s been years since your last visit. And she’ll do the same when she’s in your neck of the woods.
· She sends a thoughtful, surprise care package to brighten your darkest days.
· She’s someone you may not always see eye-to-eye with and disagreements have and will occur, but she’d never give up on you. She knows nobody gets a second chance to make new old friends.
· For a few hours, she pulls you away from the thickness and heaviness of caring for your Mom in the final days of her life. She loves and supports you, lets you cry, hurt and share and helps you summon the strength to go back and continue on.
· She then shows up at your Mom’s funeral, not because of their relationship, but because she just thinks you might need someone.
· She encourages your wild and frivolous passion to up and move your family to Italy, she breathes fire into this igniting dream…
I love my ‘sisters’— Chi and Phi, the ones I see and connect with regularly, and the ones I don’t. We shared an unforgettable journey in our younger years and I so enjoy seeing where your roads have lead to date -- your men, your kids, your lives, careers, accomplishments, travels, pets, dreams, losses, sadnesses and joys. A rush and a bid brought us together long ago and for me, I’d say it was fated
Sincerest congrats to Alpha Chi on 100 years! I’m grateful to the organization that brought me the girlfriend-loves-of-my-life and the irreplaceable, invaluable, wild and crazy memories from my yesteryear. I hope your ship sails on and on for hundreds more.
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