One year ago to date my husband & I went to a beautiful pranzo (lunch) at a nearby trattoria with one intention—to decide whether or not to stay in Italy for a second year. We enjoyed antipasto, pasta, pizza, wine, even dolce (dessert) – a true, proper Italian midday meal. What we struggled most with in our decision-making was the continued separation of our son from his classmates & school, back in California. We felt that missing 5th grade was fine, well worth it & we initially, purposefully chose a return to Truckee for his 6th grade year. All of his friends would be starting a new school, middle school, & although he would have missed a year of connection & US academics, it seemed a pretty ideal time to segue back in.
We discussed pros & cons & fairly quickly, & unanimously, landed on a YES!! for another year abroad. We weren’t ready to go home & quite frankly, Caiden was absolutely thriving in Italy. We excitedly, yet nervously, toasted to our continuing Italian Adventure…
All the while a ‘little’ virus was brewing in China. I remember Stephen casually mentioning it weeks prior, but it didn’t concern me much because we’d heard about viruses elsewhere before (SARS, MERS, Ebola, Zika, H1N1) that were certainly sad, but posed no threat to us whatsoever. Fast-forward a few weeks & that little virus hopped planes in the form of tourists & quickly overtook Italy.
I remember all the texts, emails & WhatsApp calls with all of the questions, concerns & well-wishing. It was a time of confusion, fear, uncertainty & even a smidge of frustration that of all the places we could have chosen for this international experience, we’d selected Italy which, at the time, seemed to be one of a few, select Coronavirus sinkholes.
You all know the how the story goes from here—Italy shut down all schools in early March & just days later locked down the entire country. Not too long after, the same occurred in the United States & throughout the entire world, & here we are today.
I write all this because so oddly & so interestingly, the fear that Caiden would struggle by missing 6th grade/the start of middle school has become absolutely N/A since Truckee kids haven’t attended in-person school for 8 months, with the exception of, perhaps 15 half days, total. The children are back at school 'hybrid' now-- aka 3 hours, 2 days a week so, again, there’s really not too much my son is missing out on. And, conversely, he’s been at in-person school in Italy every single day, all day, since the academic year began. Talk about a funky twist of fate— or really, unfathomable luck! I am also inexpressibly grateful that we did all the hard work (years & years of it) to have long-term residency in Italy. Otherwise, we would’ve had no other option than to slog out the horrible homeschooling mandate, along with thousands of other California families.
So, here’s my other great fear that not only didn’t come true, but proved me totally wrong & completely unfounded in my worries…
As you all know, we came back to California at the end of March, a few weeks after Italy completely locked down. It was an utterly heartbreaking & gut-wrenching decision (I cried for, I think, 4 of the 5 hours driving from Florence to Nice to catch our plane). But, we reasoned, if we were going to be confined to our 500 square foot home for endless months without even an option to take a walk outdoors—what’s left of this Italian Adventure to actually enjoy?? The answer was pretty much nothing. We couldn’t even go to the grocery store together, as a family, or visit with a friend. In any case, we did what we did & made the decision we felt was best at the time.
Upon returning to Truckee the tears came heavier & harder. I stared miserably at 8 foot mountains of snow piled outside the window of our rented house (remember, ours would still be occupied by our tenants for another 6 months—we couldn’t even go home!!). We quarantined for 2 weeks which was fine by me as I didn’t want to see anyone or go anywhere, I was certifiably depressed. I stared blankly at the walls some days, so completely flabbergasted that our Italian Adventure that we’d worked so hard for & dreamed of for so long, had come to such an unfathomable, immediate end.
I eventually pulled myself together & did my best to take on the homeschooling teacher & little homemaker roles that had been so unwelcomingly thrusted onto me. I reconnected with friends, which truly saved my battered soul, & enjoyed being with our dogs who I’d so terribly missed. The snow eventually melted & as it did Tahoe’s blissful spring was unearthed, too.
I’ll never forget my 48th birthday (late April). Like so many, birthday expectations were next to none given the ultra-difficult state of the world but yet, I had one of my most special & memorable celebrations, ever. Two of my dearest girlfriends took me out one evening for heavy servings of appys, wine & laughter on a lakeside dock. The next evening 2 girlfriends organized a hike, just the 3 of us, & at the end we sat, socially distanced in our lawn chairs, on Northstar Golf Course’s 9th green, nibbling on cheese & crackers. None of us wanted to go home but the bitter cold that followed the setting sun forced us leave. In between those 2 oddly magical occasions I rode bikes with my husband & son along Lake Tahoe’s stunning new paved path (East Shore Trail) to Sand Harbor. We lazed on the gorgeous beach, tossed a frisbee & for the first time in a long time, I came to some peace with my life.
I was still beyond crushed that Italy was over & Stephen knew it. He was too entrenched in his job & his steep new car payment to be able to do the second year we’d chosen just months prior, but he knew Caiden & I still had that option. Sometime in June he casually tossed out ‘you know, you & Caiden could go back this fall’. I thought he was nuts, completely nuts. How could Caiden & I go back without him?! What kind of ‘family’ would exist on 2 separate continents? It was a hard no for me, at first. But as time went on & the US became an increasing, not-doing-much-about-it Covid mess, while Italy & Europe enjoyed the fruits of their hard-earned lockdown labors, it became far more intriguing. What put it over the top was the realization that Truckee/California schools most likely would not re-open in the fall, but Italy’s would.
We, as a family, made the quiet decision that Caiden & I would (try to!) return to Italy in late July. It was exciting, but at the same time disheartening. It was also a decision that was riddled with anxiety & uncertainty as we weren’t confident that we’d be permitted, by the Italian authorities, to return. It was a decision that was worrisome for me, also, because of what long distance, for long periods of time can do to a relationship.
Stephen & I had many conversations about this, trying to achieve some level of certainty that we could handle this type of estrangement & trying to double, triple assure that we both felt this was the very best decision for Caiden. We were a unanimous ‘yes’ to both questions, but a continued question of will he be faithful kept nagging at me (despite Stephen being nothing but true & devoted throughout our years together). After all, we’d recently seen a few couples divorce after what appeared to be many, many great years together, & we’d seen some infidelity, & we’d seen some friends struggling to keep their marriage embers burning. And here we were, about to put a conscious & real strain on our relationship.
I knew that no desire to “finish the journey” was worth jeopardizing our marriage. But, being one who refuses to put a leash on my partner & insists on trusting my partner, always, Caiden & I boarded a late morning, late July plane. Our goodbye with Stephen was tearful for all 3 of us, but we had 4 little weeks until we’d be together again, & so off we went.
The most amazing thing I must share, after my very long musings, is that Stephen & my relationship is stronger than it’s ever been. And no folks, it’s not because we’re in some perceived, blissful vacation from our marriage. I know - & have been there - where we all so deeply & guiltily love those handful of days or week when our partner is out of town for a business trip or boys/girls weekend, this is not like that. This is actually exceedingly difficult & there are times I want to say ‘to hell with it’ & get on the first flight home. But, I’m committed to seeing this through & I’m even moreso committed to giving Caiden the beautiful, rare & exquisite opportunity to receive a proper education. I (we) have also never lost sight of the fact that this chapter overseas - no matter how funky it’s been at times - will change the wiring, outlook & core of Caiden, & I’m thrilled I can still help offer this to him.
Stephen & I exist these days on WhatsApp texts & late night calls. It’s midday for him & he always pauses from his busy schedule to chat with me about whatever Caiden’s doing in school, what we had for dinner or watched on TV, or the town we plan to explore the coming weekend. He tells me about the dog’s crazy antics, gatherings he’s attended with our friends, the latest with the homes he’s building. I send him constant photos—some of the wonderful sites we’re still able to see, others of just our day-to-day happenings. We chat about how things/Covid looks in Italy & what the situation is like in the US. We muse at all the upheavals in The States & I share with him my gratitude to be on foreign soil lately. We run our home, bills & finances in tandem & even trade recipes now & again. We send one another the occasional care package or postcard.
But what stands out the most, in terms of the history of Stephen & Nicole, are the ‘I love yous’ & the ‘I miss you sooooo muchs’ that cross our iPhone screens so very often. Anyone who knows us knows we’re not the most physically or verbally affectionate couple, & this has always worked fine for us. We show eachother love in enough other ways that neither is in need of those types of affirmation. All the same, I don’t think we can help ourselves lately. Randomly & frequently we text eachother these sweet, short love notes. There was even a conversation with Steph, a few weeks back, that – simple as it was – sort of knocked me off my feet. It went something like this:
- Me: What are you doing this weekend?
- Steph: Probably running to Reno, you know, going to Costco, getting an oil change, that kind of stuff.
- Me: Ah, ok.
- Steph: You know, for so many years this is what I thought I wanted (a life by himself, without a wife or child). But I’ve realized this wouldn’t have been a good life at all.
- Me: heart bursts because he just basically said that all the things I pushed for – aka marriage, a baby – are all the things he’s come to realize he doesn’t want to live without.
So, do I worry about him cheating anymore? Absolutely not. I realize now that a love - our love - that can withstand many months & many miles apart is rare & beautiful, indeed. And that our little family of 3 is the most precious thing either of us has & we will forever keep it sacred & whole, even when we’re apart.
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