Once a year Stephen & I go to a casino, each with a whopping $40 in our pocket. We'll play some Black Jack or I'll pay Craps & when the money is gone, it's gone. Or, if we're lucky, we'll walk away from the table with $100 or $200 more than what we started with. We keep it to a very dull roar & approach gambling extremely conservatively. We see this annual evening as just for fun, pure entertainment.
I suppose I've always been this way-- a risk-taker, but in a minimal, safe harbor kind of way. I have, however, had a couple occasions where I may have been sitting at that overcrowded, loud & mildly annoying $5 table, but for a hand or 2, I went ALL IN. Today, right now, is one of them. From my & Stephen's lighthearted conversation about retiring in Italy to the progression of a decision to pack all of our belongings up (sans 2 checked bags & 1 carry-on per person) & move here, it's a massive gamble. We sold a car, rented out our house, asked some wonderful people to care for our dogs, have another wonderful person checking our mail & yet another wonderful person managing our rental properties. We did the insanity-making effort of getting an extended stay residency Visa, found a place here, figured out a long-term car rental solution, left our dearest friends & family-- all in pursuit of a dream, one which we have no idea how it will ultimately play out, but we're totally game to find out.
Occasionally I suffer from anxiety. The first time I really knew it was when I was diagnosed with Postpartum Anxiety 3 months after Caiden's birth. I wasn't sobbing, crying or sad, I was freaking out-- about everything. I had horrible insomnia & couldn't get a grasp on reality during that time. I have high anxiety again, mostly around work stuff, but I can't seem to get myself into a relaxed or settled mindframe. I'm assuming, & praying!, it will happen in time. I'm also assuming some of this is to be expected given that we've turned our world absolutely upside down & inside out.
Each day I have great energy (& excitement) & then when night falls I always feel like a Mack Truck ran over me. I wonder if this is because my brain is working so dang hard to process signs & language & a new culture, new people, new grocery stores, cafes, roads & autostradas, a new way of doing things & yet I'm also trying to explore & absorb our new surroundings, seize this opportunity to deeply connect with my husband & son, keep the wheels turning, as needed, at home & so on. I spill into bed & wake up daily with that "where am I?!" feeling. I look forward to that subsiding & slipping into a more comfortable space.
In 1999, on 12.31.1999 - the turn of the millennium - I opened a restaurant in downtown Truckee. This was another of my, rare, "all in" moments, especially given that - at age 27 - I had 0 knowledge of how to run a restaurant, I'd only been a server, hostess & dishwasher prior. This venture was what brought me to Truckee, where I met my hubby, had & am raising my son, found a sweet mountain lifestyle & an even sweeter group of good friends. I'd say I won that bet, big time!
We'll see what happens with this one. We're sure to have some bumps & bruises along the way, but I know with certainty that this experience, this chapter, will be among the best of our lives.
I'm a ball of excitement & nervousness, mixed with a heap of gratitude, disbelief & curiosity. It's very difficult for me, but I need to NOT be the salmon swimming upstream-- I need to let the current take me precisely where I'm supposed to be & simply enjoy - & trust - the ride.
I'd seriously encourage anyone, & everyone, to dust off their bucket list, or perhaps start one. Keep it short & simple with those truly "must dos in my lifetime" & even if you're fearful like me, put your hands together, wrap them around all those blue, black, white & red discs, close your eyes & push them to the center of the table. And then, as they say, 'let the chips fall where they may!'
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