Diverging from my typical musings about Italia, I have to jot down all these thoughts that are swirling in my mind & dominating my thoughts with increasing intensity day by day.
As most of you know, our family is leading a very unique lifestyle with Caiden & I living in Italy while Stephen lives in Truckee. While less than ideal & very (very) difficult at times, we – as a family – felt the opportunity for Caiden to attend in-person school for the 2020-2021 school year was paramount. This opportunity existed in Florence, not in Truckee, & as such in late July 2020 Caiden & I tearfully boarded a plane & the 3 of us commenced the multi-continental functioning of our family.
Most weekdays Stephen, Caiden & I clip along contentedly to the grooves of our daily life (Steph: work, Caiden: school, me: work, writing & mothering). On weekends one another’s absence is felt more acutely – especially as Steph attends odd-man-out get togethers with our friends & I am skipped over for such invitations. Folks likely find it too awkward to have a solo gal or a Mom with her child attending gatherings meant for complete families, or couples. I get it, I really do & my words aren’t a dig on anyone—they’re just our reality.
Caiden’s & my minimal social commitments have given the two of us amazing time together & an incredible opportunity to form a bond that goes far beyond mother/son – we’re good buddies these days (with still, of course, mindful boundaries & respect of the parent/child dynamic). I know someday, decades from now, he & I will smile remembering these times of just the two of us. We’ll have inside jokes & memories nobody could appreciate but us.
But as I sit here on this gorgeous, Tuscan spring day—birds singing incessantly out my open window (they’re clearly as delighted as I with the sunshine & greenery that surround us lately) I have the dull & now familiar ache of missing my husband. Six days have passed since I hugged him & dozed beside him on a blanket spread out upon a soft, Half Moon Bay beach… six days since we waved & waved & waved from opposite sides of the security glass at SFO, tearfully smiling until we could not longer see one other with the move & shuffle of the continuing departure process.
I certainly miss the extra hand with meals, lunchboxes, housework, errand-running & child-rearing, but I can – & have been – managing all of this on my own quite successfully. It’s exhausting at times, but totally do-able. What I miss most though is his presence – the two of us grabbing a cappuccino at whatever café I insist we try that morning, pairing a hot morning beverage with easy conversation; or sitting on the couch at night with a glass of wine & a show. Chatting about whatever occurred in our days, or the trials of work, or Caiden’s latest funny comment or silly antic. Yeah, we share a lot of this stuff over the phone, but it’s not the same.
Anyhow, all of this reflection about my better half got me thinking about why he’s so important to me & what’s made our relationship tick, what makes any relationship tick…. Following are the simple-minded top two conclusions I’ve come up with. And while it’s difficult to clearly articulate them & certainly one size does not fit all, this is my theorization of what I makes Steph & I work & find ourselves more deeply in love than we were a decade or two ago (when we were more vibrant, externally beautiful versions of our middle-aged selves). :)
#1 – you need to feel you “got a great deal” in earning your partner’s love. Countless times I’ve thought ‘HOW did I get this amazing man to be mine—permanently, forever??’ Make no mistake, many times I’ve also thought ‘what an ass!’ but there are far more ‘he’s so rad!!’ feelings than the latter. :) All the same, what my simple mind believes has helped this couple make it the semi-long haul is that feeling that the entrée you selected is, truly, the very best & most exquisite one on the menu… is that feeling that there were thousands of cars on the lot & you test-drove a pretty ridiculous number of them (I certainly did!) & yet the one you ultimately signed the contract for was, indeed, the perfect & most ideal model for you.
I don’t want to overstate here or be melodramatic, but in my heart I don’t think there could be a better husband for me than Stephen. We’ve been perfecting our marriage dance for so many years now & we have more fine-tuning & rhythmic stepping to achieve, but I got such a 'great deal’ in choosing him – no, I got the very best deal. And because of that notion, I won’t take his love or his solid & warm presence in my life for granted. I’m happily kept on my toes, continuing to deserve & appreciate his love, as he does mine.
#2 – this one’s a bit more basic, but at the same time more complicated. I believe that your partner needs to be someone you’re eager to link arms with, someone who’s good & kind to others, someone who makes you proud to share the same last name, share a home, share a life.
I had a restaurant many moons ago & in that restaurant I met so many men—like an oddly large number of men (including my husband!). This was mainly because Truckee has a general shortage of women so a gal owning a bar & being in a such a public space (with alcohol!) probably made me an easy target for date requests & romantic interest. But, there was this one guy who asked me out a few times & after too many cocktails professed his feelings for me yet I didn’t feel the same, not even an inkling. He was super funny & witty, nice-looking, whip smart & it was clear he would’ve treated me well, but the thing was -- he wasn’t nice to other people. He was sarcastic, snarky, rough around the edges, cynical & prickly & this totally turned me off. I would have never been contented to have a spouse who I frequently defended saying "but he treats me & our kids like gold...” when questioning observers were mystified by our union. I needed someone who was kind, pretty much always & pretty much to everyone, and that’s who I found.
Stephen’s the guy who’ll show up at your front door at 8 am on moving day & won’t leave until the last box or bit of furniture has been transported (even though you never asked for a hand, despite desperately needing one). He’s the guy young colleagues call when they’re at their wits end with work & he’ll stop whatever he’s doing to listen patiently & gently advise, even when he’s in the midst of a most-chaotic day. He’ll pick up your son at UNR & drop him at the new, Sacramento-located car his parents purchased for him because they asked him to—the distance between this college & Truckee far shorter than the distance from this college to their home. He’s just that guy & the coolest thing is that Stephen does these things – & so many more – with an easy smile on his face & not one ounce of inconvenience or resentment. I’ll be the first to admit I don’t naturally possess this type of compassionate, giving spirit. I’m working on it, & I’ll probably always work at it, since it doesn’t come to me as innately.
So, this is my little love letter to the Silver Fox who sleeps some 6,000 miles from me as I finish typing this blog. I so deeply cherish you… I always have, I always will.
Share those fun, quirky things that make your relationship hum. I love hearing this type of stuff & it feels good to drench yourself in warm & fuzzy thoughts of the one you get to call yours.
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