Wrangling My Inner ‘Mama Bear’

Ladies—is it just me or are there times you find yourself having to wrangle your inner Mama Bear? That part of yourself that is fiercely & unapologetically protective of your child & would do just about anything to keep them safe & happy.

I’m in a situation where a classmate of my son’s has wronged him—spreading hurtful & untrue gossip that’s damaged his reputation. At the very least, she owes him an apology but unfortunately, the harm has already been done.

I’m so tempted to reach out to this girl’s mother, whom I know casually & believe to be a good person, & request that her daughter lay off of Caiden. I imagine this mother would want more details, which would likely lead to her daughter facing consequences. On the upside, this could be a learning opportunity for the girl, but on the downside, what then happens between she & Caiden? How does their relationship go on at school when a whole mini-drama has been stirred up by their mothers? Further, and most importantly, I would be breaking my son’s trust in sharing his private situation, & going above him to try & resolve it. In the end, I realize, I’d rob him of the opportunity to manage & remedy his friendships & I’d silently be saying I don’t believe he can take care of his own problems (yeah, I know, I’m pretty sure this entire scenario is in the dictionary under “helicopter parenting – teen edition”). :-)

When I think back to my own childhood, my mom didn’t meddle in my friendships beyond a certain age. As a kid, she might have organized a playdate to patch things up between friends, but as I grew, she stepped back and allowed me to handle my relationships. She provided guidance but respected my autonomy. Now, as a parent myself, I recognize how crucial this balance is.

These young people need a trusted confidant/adult they can share difficult situations with & get advice from. But in doing so, they also need to know, with total certainty, that their tellings won’t go anywhere but where they strictly intend.

So, instead of acting on my Mama Bear instincts, I’m channeling my energy into writing. It’s a form of therapy, a way to process my frustration and remind myself that this, too, shall pass. More importantly, I’m believing my son is capable of handling this, no matter how challenging it feels right now.

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As I talk with countless girlfriends who are now middle-aged, like myself, we lament so many things. Thinning hair, degrading skin, errant wiry chin hairs, erratic periods, erratic sleep, erratic moods, foggy memory, foggy vision, declining energy, declining sex drive, increasing waist line, ageism, & on & on. But one thing I’m not lamenting is the person I’m becoming. The me of yesteryear may have impulsively fired off that text to the other Mom, stirring the pot & letting the chips fall where they may – with her, her daughter & my son. The me of today is taking a beat, thinking harder about what to do, less reactionary, putting myself in my teen’s shoes, & valuing our relationship & his trust above all else.

Over the past several years I’ve taken the same tactic with my girlfriends. I'm no longer the "don't tell anybody, but..." type who occasionally let slip a juicy piece of news that wasn’t mine to share. And I hold friends to this same standard when it comes to protecting my confidences. I’ve also grown much more selective about who I allow into my inner circle, aware that some people still choose the "don’t tell anybody, but..." route.

I like being a vault for my friends' (and son’s) secrets, heartaches, and fears. I like knowing that others trust me, confident that what they share with me stays with me. It’s a privilege to be let into the most vulnerable spaces of another’s heart. When we open up and share our worries, we should never have to worry about the sanctity of that trust.

So, Mama Bear, I suppose it’s time to tuck in those claws and let Caiden take the lead in navigating his own difficulties. As difficult as it is to step back, especially when I remember the days I could help most any hurt, this is his time to learn, grow, and build resilience. And while I may not be able to swoop in and save the day, I can provide the steady, unwavering support he needs from the sidelines.

Parenting in this stage is a delicate dance of guiding, trusting, and honoring the young adult my child is becoming. As much as we yearn to shield them from life’s hurts, we must also embrace the beauty of watching them overcome obstacles, find their voice, and learn to stand tall. And maybe that’s the real gift in this journey—not just raising strong, capable humans, but also evolving ourselves. Learning when to lean in and when to let go. Cherishing the trust they place in us and guarding it fiercely. Becoming someone who can weather life’s storms with grace and strength.

Here’s to Mama Bears everywhere, choosing love over control, trust over intervention, and quiet strength over roaring action. This season of life may demand hibernation, but it’s not a retreat—it’s a time to grow alongside the children we love so deeply.